OC Adventures
by mhmartini
Summary: COMEDY! The guys from YYH encounter an origianl character named...MARY SUE!
1. Chapter 1

The door to the school roof closed silently. Yusuke Urameshi tiptoed backwards from it, snickering to himself. Yet again, he had slipped, unnoticed, out from under Keiko's watchful eye to evade class once more. "Really," he said softly to himself. "When the hell will I ever use algebra in demon world?"

"Oh, never. At least, I never do." came a voice from behind him. Yusuke spun to meet this adversary who had crept up behind him so very skillfully. The other stood on the edge of the roof, slightly elevated above Yusuke's eye level. Standing in front of the late morning sun, the only discernible feature of this intruder was its silhouette. Roughly five feet tall, and slightly plump (to say the least), the abomination sprouted horns from its head. The horns trailed tails down to the beast's shoulders. The shoulders themselves had large finlike appendages on them. From the creature's rotund midsection draped an odd pair of wings. The apparition's feet were round and planted firmly on the wall surrounding the roof. The silhouette did not match the high, reedy, almost squeaky voice of its owner. Yusuke took a step back into his defensive stance, prepared to battle the encroacher. The thin voice spoke again.

"Let me introduce myself." The creature leapt down from the wall with a thud and approached the detective. As it drew closer its features became distinguishable. The horns were pigtails of blondish, wavy hair. The shoulder fin were ruffles on a vest. The winglike protrusions were actually a half skirt wrapped around the back of the form, and the thick feet were housed in combat boots. To add flair to the ensemble, the ruffled vest was bright pink, the shirt under it was dark blue. The skirt (the half of it that was present) was yellow, the skin tight (or at least they were stretched so far they ended up being skin tight) pants under the skirt were at one point black, but had faded to a mild grey color. The "demon" was nothing more than a human girl with very poor fashion sense.

"Hi, Yusuke. My name is Mary." the stranger said, reaching out her hand to shake the detective's. Uncertainly, Yusuke took the hand and shook it briefly. When he tried to pull back, he realized his mistake. Mary had him, and did not appear to be letting go any time soon. "I just moved here. I may look American, but I am only half American. I'm also half Japanese. And Half demon." Mary spouted, unaware that Yusuke was trying to retrieve his hand from her vice-like grip. "I am a mazoku, to." Yusuke was so engrossed in trying to free himself from the leeching grasp, he did not notice the error in Mary's grammar.

"Actually, you're just human. Could I have my hand bac..." he began.

"YUSUKE URAMESHI!" came a loud, angry voice from behind him. Keiko stood in the entrance to the school, visibly fuming at her errant boyfriend. "What are you doing on this roof and not in class, and who is that?" the brown haired girl demanded as she approached the couple.

"Keiko, I..." Yusuke began, but trailed off when he saw Keiko's expression change. Hurt was written on her features as she gazed forlornly at the locked hands of the two before her. "Kei, no wait! This is not what it looks like! I don't... We're not... It's nothing..." he protested, renewing his efforts to withdraw his hand from the other female's.

"It's okay, Yusuke." Keiko said softly, turning. "I'll just go back to class." Glumly, she turned to leave.

"Wait! Keiko, don't leave me here with her!" Yusuke called out desperately.

"Oh! You're Keiko?" Mary said. "I've read about you in fanfictions. I know everything from fanfiction, so I never bothered to actually watch the show or read the comics. You're the one who always beats up Yusuke with frying pans." Keiko stopped.

"What are you talking about? I never hit him, except a few times when he lifted my skirt or poked my behind. But I only slapped him. I've never hit him with anything like a frying pan. If you want violent, you should talk to Botan. That ferry girl can swing a bat like a pro. But, wait... Fanfictions? I have no idea what you are talking about. Who are you?" Keiko turned and regarded the girl with an appraising glance.

"I'm Mary. Mary Sue Wannabe. See, it's like wasabi, but not like wasabi. It's the half of me that's Japanese. The other half in American. The other half is demon." the girl explained in a torrent of babble.

"That's three halves." Keiko said, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh huh. That's cause I'm special." Mary confirmed.

"Special like riding the short bus special." Yusuke mumbled, finally tearing his hand from Mary's. Keiko did not chide him for his rude remark. She was too busy trying not to chuckle.

"Oh, lookie at the time. I have to go." Mary announced. "I'm so smart that I take classes both here at the junior high and over at Kurama's high school, even though I am only eleven years old. I have to go now! But I'll see you later for the mission, Yusuke, darling." In a flourish of mismatched colors and ruffles and skirt and combat boots, Mary Sue raced off the roof and disappeared into the distance. Dazed, Yusuke and Keiko both sat on the roof.

"What was that all about?" Keiko asked.

"No idea, but I hope she isn't coming back." Yusuke said. Keiko nodded.

--

Kurama had just finished biology lab and was preparing to go to gym class when a squeaky voice behind him caught him offguard. With little more than a fractional widening of his viridian eyes, the fox turned to face yet another fangirl. His customary smile did not falter as he gazed at one of the strangest...girls(?) he had yet encountered. She was dressed rather questionably, and seemed young to be attending high school. Staring longingly into his eyes, the person repeated her greeting. "Hello, Kurama, my love."

Widening his famous Shuuichi Smile, Kurama calmly regarded the odd newcomer. "Excuse me, I believe you have me confused with someone else. My name is Shuuichi, and I don't believe we have met before." Carefully stepping aside, the kitsune tried to walk away, but Mary shifted as well, effectively blocking his path.

"Oh, it's ok, I know all about you. I rad fanfiction. Your a fox spirit, you got shot by a hunter, you escaped to the human world, and now your suiiichi mininiimo."

Kurama stared at this girl for a moment before calmly asking, "How did you do that?"

"Oh, I read fanfiction so I know it all." she replied.

"No, I mean your dialogue." Kurama elaborated. "Somehow you managed to misspell words while speaking, and to effectively demolish all known rules of grammar, as well as my name. Until this moment, I did not believe all that was possible to accomplish in spoken dialogue." The kitsune involuntarily took a step back. Anyone who could mangle language so effectively as to misspell a spoken word could be dangerous.

"Oh that. It's a talent; I'm special." Mary announced proudly.

"Indeed. If you'll excuse me." Kurama said politely, trying again to step around the girl in his path, and again failing.

"No no no! You have to come with me. There's an important mission from Spirit World and you and I have to save the day, dearest." Mary insisted. Kurama just sighed. Apparently he was not to be rid of this girl so quickly. "Really, Kurama - uh - suuiichii."

"Really, you don't have to double every vowel..." Kurama began.

"No, we have to go, now! My demon senses are tingling, and I feel dangerous ki approaching!" the girl wailed plaintively.

"You're human." Kurama stated flatly.

"No, only part human. I'm half American, half Japanese, and half demon." Mary insisted.

"You're human." Kurama repeated aloud. To himself he added, 'and confused'.

"I'll show you my demon powers later, now we have to go!" the girl bellowed, grabbing Kurama's hand and dragging him from the building. Somehow, the fox could not free himself from her grip. 'If only she had such a firm grip on reality.' Kurama mused as he was pulled towards the forest around Genkai's temple.


	2. Chapter 2

It was shortly after school had let out for the day. Yusuke and Keiko were walking towards Genkai's temple, still wondering about the strange girl they had encountered on the roof, when a familiar, and unwelcome, squeaky voice assaulted their ears. "Really! I KNOW where the temple is! I read fanfiction, so I know everything!" Both teens stopped, dreadful anticipation flooding their souls.

Around the corner came two figures. Mary Sue was dragging a haggard looking red head behind her. Kurama was flushed, and for once, not his usual, composed self. His right hand was still locked in Mary's. (Gods, that girl has a grip! Once she grabs hold of a canon character, it is almost impossible for him escape!) Kurama's school uniform was torn on the shoulder and some spots of blood were visible. Mary just dragged him along, oblivious to all but herself.

"Now, I know the old temple where hag-shihan lives is right around...OH! Hey, Yusuke, darling. Did you get lost and need me to take you to the temple?" Mary called out. Yusuke visibly cringed, and tried to hide behind Keiko, but his girlfriend knew him far too well. Putting an arm behind him, she blocked his retreat.

"Hi, uh, Mary Sue. Uh, fancy meeting you here." Yusuke mumbled, running his right hand through his hair in an effort to not form his spirit gun.

"Yes, I see Koenma has contacted you as well. We have a big mission. You guys could never even hope to get it done without my special powers. I'll explain my powers to you at the temple. Let's go." Mary announced, and began to drag Kurama in the wrong direction, again.

The tattered fox looked at Yusuke with a baleful expression. "Yusuke," he whispered hoarsely. "Help me."

Keiko stepped in. "Mary, I think you want to come this way. Genkai's temple is up these stairs." Keiko hoped the old woman would have some sagely advice to get of rid of the girl, or maybe some poison. There was plenty of space on the temple grounds to hide a body.

Mary considered Keiko for a moment, as one would consider a cockroach. "Fine, human, but do not address me in the future. I am far superior to mere ningen, and expect to treated that way." the girl spat venomously, and began to ascend the steps.

"You are human." replied the combined voices of Yusuke and Kurama, but Mary Sue had a keen knack for completely ignoring minor details like that.

Luckily, the myriad steps winded Mary, so she was forced to release Kurama's hand. Snatching his now numb fingers to his chest, Kurama began to massage his hand, hoping the feeling would return soon. Yusuke took the opportunity presented by Mary's distraction to consult with the fox. "Where'd she get you?"

"At school, right before gym class. She latched onto me and dragged me out of the building. We've been wandering the outskirts of Tokyo ever since, going to Genkai's temple. This girl thinks she's one of us." Kurama replied.

"Yeah, she's a little confused. Um, Kurama, what happened to your arm? She didn't actually manage to hurt you did she?" Yusuke asked, gesturing to the blood and torn material on the kitsune's right shoulder.

"No. She is incapable of harming me. But she does have an unbreakable grip. That's where I tried to chew off my arm to escape. Human teeth are not well suited to such a task, however." Kurama paused when he saw Yusuke's look of sheer shock. "What? I am a fox, after all. I was caught in a trap."

"You would really chew off your own arm?" Yusuke asked.

"Okay! We're here. Now to get started on the mission." Mary said loudly.

"Nevermind, I think I understand." Yusuke mumbled. In a louder voice, the detective addressed their unwelcome guest. "Um, Mary Sue, not to be mean or anything, but there is no mission today."

"Oi! Sure there's a mission! My mission is to pound your face into the dirt, Urameshi!" came a rough voice from the temple. Standing in the doorway, waiting for their friends to arrive, were Kuwabara and Yukina. Upon issuing his threat, Kuwabara jumped off the porch and approached his best friend. The tall boy stopped short when he got a good look at the thing that was with the group. "Uh, who's this?" he asked, somewhat confused.

"Oh, I know you." Mary said, obviously unimpressed. "Your Kuwabaka." Kuwabara just looked at this girl with a strange look on his face.

"That wasn't very nice." he stated softly.

"But true." Mary countered.

"If it's so true, how come I noticed your poor grammar? And how did you use the wrong form of 'you're' while speaking, anyway?" Kuwabara returned, confused. Mary just gestured him away, and returned to harassing Yusuke and Kurama.

"Well, now we just have to wait for my third love to show up, and we can save the human world, spirit world, and demon world." the girl announced. (She had quit the annoying habit of not just speaking, but announcing everything, as if it were some proclamation.)

Genkai stood in the shadows of her doorway, watching and chuckling to herself. She had seen this type of character before. Her dimwit and his friends were in for some interesting times, indeed. Finally, deciding it would be more fun to watch up close, she exited the building.

"Oi, Grandma! We're here for training." Yusuke called out. Mary spun around to look upon the aged master.

"Genkai-hag-shihan-baasan!" the overexuberant young girl shrieked. All those present flinched at such a disrespectful blend of poor English and faux Japanese. "It's been so long!" Mary continued. Turning to the others she began to explain.

"I trained with Genkai back when we were both young, and she had pink hair, and Toguro was there, and he actually loved me, but I turned him down, so he hooked up with Genkai as a second choice, and I was stronger then both of them combined, and I had more kinds of powers, but then I found out I was half demon, so I went to demon world, and they stayed here, and I never grew old, even though Genkai did, and now this is the first time we've seen each other on dozens of years." Mary said, without pausing to take even a single breath. Genkai stood behind the girl, shaking her head 'no' and trying not to laugh out loud. This was going to be more fun than the old woman had thought.

After her senseless explanation, Mary launched into a torrent of insults directed toward Kuwabara, whom she continued to address as Kuwabaka. Yusuke took a moment to confer with Genkai and Kurama separately.

"What do we do with her, 'Baasan?" the detective asked.

"She's a Mary Sue, Dimwit. The less you do with her, the better." Genkai replied, lighting a cigarette. "I can give you some simple, general advice, but other than that, you're on your own."

"What! You old hag, why won't you help us get rid of her?" Yusuke fumed.

"Simple. Other than comparison, Mary Sues usually don't want anything to do with me. She already used me for comparison of age and power level, so she's done with me. Now she's your problem." the elderly woman explained.

"But why Us, Shihan?" Kurama asked softly.

"Simple. You three are the bishonen. It's something you will just have to deal with." Looking at Kurama's shoulder, Genkai regarded him again. "I guess you found out about that grip of steel Mary Sues have? Tried to chew off your arm?" Kurama nodded.

"You said 'three' Grandma. Kuwa's a nice guy and all, but I doubt anyone would call him a bishie." Yusuke prompted.

"No kidding?" Genkai said sarcastically. "You're right. He's not what most people would call a pretty boy, like you two." this earned a glare from both boys. "But, there is one more in your group that many Mary Sues have considered a bishonen."

Kurama's eyes grew wide. "Uh on. This will not go well." he predicted. Genkai and Yusuke nodded their agreement.


	3. Chapter Three

Taking a deep breath to calm their nerves, Yusuke and Kurama turned from Genkai to return to their friends. Mary Sue was still insulting Kuwabara, but the boy was no longer offended. He just stared as she threw a practically incoherent mix of preadolescent, colloquial English and poor Japanese at him. Keiko stood to the side trying not to laugh at the poor girl's misuse of both languages. Unbeknownst to most of the group below, a shadow drew closer, concealed within the treetops, watching with disdain.

Kurama felt the approach of his mate, and knew there was trouble in store. Carefully, he avoided looking at the trees so he would not give away the location of the concealed demon.

When Mary finally ran out of insults, the group made its way into the temple. Genkai allowed Mary to enter because she knew what fun it would be to watch the gang try to get out of this one. Kurama hung back as the rest of his companions entered and awaited the arrival of the shadowy figure. He did not have to wait for long.

In a blur of swirling darkness, Hiei appeared at his taller companion's side. The apparition had watched the exchange between the newcomer and his teammates. While he was at first tempted to sneer as the strange creature insulted Kuwabara, the demon found he could not muster so much as a smirk. The girl's (?) taunts were so flat and unimaginative he could not enjoy them. Turning to Kurama, Hiei took in the appearance of the fox.

Wordlessly the hiyoukai reached out and gently lifted the torn fabric of the kitsune's sleeve and glanced at the shallow wound beneath. With narrowed eyes he raised his gaze to meet that of the red head.

"I tried to chew it off; she would not let go." Kurama said softly. Hiei's eyes narrowed to mere slits and Kurama felt his energy rise as he turned to stalk down the one who dared cause harm to his mate. In a quick motion Kurama stepped behind the smaller demon, encircling his arms around the black-clad waist and halting the lethal advance.

"Hiei, she's a Mary Sue. It's what she does. She may be annoying and frustrating, but she is still human. At least, she's human until we can prove otherwise. If you kill her Enma will send you to Reikai prison and I will never see you again."

Hiei turned to face his mate. "What is a Mary Sue?" the hiyoukai asked softly.

"It's difficult to describe; you'll have to see it to believe it. Just remember, don't kill her. Enma will use any excuse to imprison a demon, even if killing a Mary Sue seems more like a public service than a crime." Kurama murmured. Hiei huffed dejectedly, but allowed the fox to continue holding him.

When the two demons finally made their way into the temple, they were not surprised to see Mary Sue launching a fresh round of stale insults at Kuwabara. Keiko was in the corner fuming and practically being restrained by Yusuke. The human was glaring at the annoying little girl with as much hatred as even Hiei could muster. Genkai sat on a cushion sipping her tea and watching with amused eyes. Only the appearance of the demon couple interrupted the otherwise picturesque scene.

"My beloved-firebaby-dragonfly!" Mary gushed, abandoning her torrent of torment and launching herself at Hiei. Reflexively, Hiei drew his katana, but a taller form stepped between him and his target.

If Kurama thought Mary's grip on his hand had been crushing, he was startled to discover that it paled in comparison to her bone-shattering hug. Instinctively he had stepped between the oncoming human and his mate, knowing that Hiei would kill her if she touched him. In doing so he intercepted the hug and promptly had all of the air squeezed from his body. For her part, Mary was oblivious to whom she was hugging. As long as she was somehow physically attached to a bishonen she was happy. Her keening squeals heralded her joy as they caused severe headaches for all present.

It was not until Kurama's face had transcended the color of his hair and progressed to purple that Mary finally relinquished her hold on him. The fox fell backwards into the arms of his mate, gasping. When he could muster enough air for words he softly sputtered, "You owe me, Hiei." For once, Hiei did not disagree.

It took a few seconds for everyone to realize why Mary had so suddenly released her prey. When her incessant babble finally began to resolve into recognizable words, the team looked over to determine at whom she was babbling.

Botan stood in the corner clutching her oar. The strange girl(?) had approached and immediately violated the ferry girl's personal space. While she was usually bubbly and chipper, Botan usually preferred a healthy distance between herself and strangers. And humans did not get much stranger than this creature before her. A quick glance around the room revealed the entire detective team staring at the girl with wide eyes and open mouths. It wasn't until Botan actually began listening to the words issuing from Mary's ever-flapping lips that she began to understand the predicament that they were in.

"...mission from Koenma. I told Enma that my powers would b needed 2 defeet the demons that r threatening all the worlds. Yama always listens to me bcuz I m 1 of his most trusted advizers. And Emma prefers my advice over any1 else so i told him that hte tentee would need me to help them with my super powers and since they r the loves of my life (except Kuwabaka) i must save them so we can all live happily evar aftar..."

Botan just stared. Never, in all her centuries as a ferry girl, had she encountered someone who could butcher a language so effectively. Part of her felt that after this conversation she should ferry the entire English language to Spirit World, because this girl had quite thoroughly killed it.

Suddenly Botan recalled why she had come to the temple in the first place. Cutting off Mary's continuing stream of words, she turned tot he team leader. "Yusuke! There is an emergency in Spirit World! You need to come with me immediately!"

Almost instantly Mary stopped rambling and latched onto Yusuke's hand. "I'm ready, my love." she announced.

Silence resounded through the room.

"Um, okay," Botan sputtered. "We, uh, can't take guests to Spirit World. I'm afraid you'll have to stay here, Miss, uh, Miss?"

"Mary. Mary Sue Wannabe. See? It's like 'wasabi' but not like it. I'm half American. And half Japanese. And half demon. And I'm ready to go see Koenma." Mary said proudly.

"But, that's three halv...oh, nevermind. I'm sorry, But I cannot take you along. Let's go guys." Botan said, opening her portal and mounting her oar.

"Botan, wait! I can't get her off me!" Yusuke complained as he yanked his arm in a futile attempt to escape. Genkai snickered behind them.

Botan stopped for a moment, staring at the toushin trying in vain to escape the grip of a mere human girl(?). Suddenly the ferry girl snapped her fingers as a look of enlightenment descended upon her features. "Of course, now I recall that name!" she said as she pulled a dusty tome from her obi. This book matched the one Hinageshi carried, except that it was far older. Botan had not had to use if for centuries. As the Chief Pilot of the River Styx, she knew pretty much everything that was covered by the ancient text, but in times like these, she preferred to double check the facts.

"Bingo! Mary Sue! I see, Yusuke, it says here that Mary Sue has a grip of iron and will not let go once she has captured a canon character. Oh dear. Koenma specifically told me to hurry, but it doesn't seem that we'll be able to pry her off of you."

Before Botan could finish her thought, Mary swept past her and into the already open portal, dragging a still struggling Yusuke behind her. With exasperated glances at each other, the rest of the tantei followed.

"Oh dear. Lord Koenma is going to kill me." Botan mumbled, following them.

Once the portal closed, Genkai laughed out loud. It seemed that not only her dimwit apprentice was in for a tough time.


	4. Chapter foor

The gang emerged in Koenma's office with Mary still firmly attached to Yusuke's hand. As Botan closed the portal she shot an apologetic glance to Koenma. The Reikai prince was in his toddler form, almost hidden behind a stack of papers on his desk. His chief oni, Jorge, stood to his right. Both were surprised to see a new addition to the group of tantei that had just arrived.

"Botan, who is this," Koenma began, but was cut off by a shrill, shrieking voice.

"Diaper-toddler-sama-chan-daioh!" squealed Mary, releasing Yusuke's hand. The detective stepped back in an effort to distance himself from the girl(?).

Koenma stared at the stranger with a mix of morbid curiosity and plain old 'huh' written on his face. He glanced at Jorge in confusion. The oni leaned down and whispered into Koenma's ear, "I think it's a Mary Sue, Koenma, sir."

"Oh no. This is terrible. I can't have a Mary Sue tagging along on this mission. It's too important!" Koenma whined. "Ogre, why aren't you concerned?"

"Oh, we ogres don't really mind Mary Sues. They never even bother to notice us. It's the rest of you that have to worry." Jorge replied, returning to his standing position. Koenma just shot him a dirty look and the turned to address his detectives and the...guest.

"Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei, I had a vitally important case for you. A portal key was stolen, and I wanted you to retrieve it before the thief had a chance to use it. It appears, however, that it has already been activated."

"And what does that mean, Koenma?" Kurama asked in a calm voice, grateful that Mary had not yet begun blathering. She seemed too preoccupied with staring around the office in awe to speak. Yet.

"Well, as you know, portals are used to travel between worlds. Some portals can be used to travel between dimensions as well. For example, we use a certain type of portal to send you between Demon, Human, and Spirit Worlds. Another type of portal is used to transport the souls of the dead from their once-living bodies to this hall of judgment. There is another type of portal, very similar to that last one, that can be used to travel between fandoms. Our world is a fandom. There are many parallel fandoms out there that exist completely independently of our reality. Some strange and often terrible things exist in these worlds, and importing one to our dimension may have unthinkable effects."

"Strange and terrible things?" Kuwabara repeated. "Like what?"

Koenma shifted his gaze to the still-distracted Mary Sue. "You can probably guess," was the only verbal response he gave. The team looked at the girl, sudden realization dawning on them.

Mary happened to look at her new companions at that same moment. Seeing them all staring at her, she naturally assumed that they needed her unbelievable power to aid them in their crisis. Unencumbered by reason, sense, or manners, she began speaking relentlessly.

"Well, we are ready for our mission Koenma-chan-sir-kun. Together my beloveds and me will save all three worlds and restore peace to them! Of course, they could never hope to defeat the evil demons without my special help!" Mary said with utter confidence.

"There are no evil demons, and for the last time, you are a human! You have no demon powers!" Yusuke snapped.

"Oh my love, that may be my cover, my secret identity. But my powers are so well masked that even you cannot detect them," Mary said gleefully.

"And apparently your intellect is as effectively masked, as well," Hiei spat.

"Ah ha. I need to prove myself. Let me show you my most gentlest power. I have, of course, been able to use all of my powers since before I was born with no training at all because of my inborn strength and kitsune heritage. I'm a mazoku to. And I am so beautiful that I have the power to spellbind my victims into speechlessness."

With this Mary let go of Yusuke's hand and performed a complex, formless, off-balance, and completely pointless series of intricate maneuvers which included, but was not limited to, hopping, twirling, stumbling, falling, tripping, jumping, and wiggling her rather large rear end and which culminated in a pose even the Great Saiyaman never imagined. In response, everyone present stared, mouths agape, at the display of...something they had just witnessed.

"See. You are all beyond speech or comprehension. And that was most basicist power! I have so many more. I can use a rose whip and a katana. I have a spirit gun, but it's a rapid fire, semi-automatic spirit gun with laser guided, heat seeking spirit bullets. I have a spirit sword, but that is so simple I mastered it before I was even born and have surpassed it since only bakas use it. I can transform, I can fly, I can shoot lasers from my eyes and bolts of lightening from my arse. I am very well versed in wand magick and can perform a bat-bogey jinx like you have never seen b4, and so many more! Well, to show you the full extent of my powers would probably shock you all into a comma since I am stronger than all of you combined. I'm even stronger then infinity-plus-one!" Mary bragged.

"Shocked into a comma?" Kuwabara muttered under his breath. "Yeah, we'd all become punctuation by her showing off all those 'powers' of hers! What a twit."

"What was that, Kuwabaka?" Mary shrieked, a full octave higher than her nonsensical speech. Immediately she launched into another round of name-calling and insults.

Kuwabara sinmply stood in front of her softly repeating to himself, "I can't punch girls; it's against my code of honor. I can't punch girls; it's against my code of honor." over and over.

"I'm afraid I have to amend your mission now," Koenma said softly to the three detectives before him, careful not to draw attention. Making sure that Mary was still busy berating Kuwabara, the demigod continued. "The key is no longer able to be used. It will have to regain its energy in the Reikai vault first, and so it is no longer a threat. But now we need to find a way to banish the Mary Sue it unleashed into our world."

"Fine," snarled Hiei drawing his katana.

"No! Hiei!" Koenma interjected. "Mary Sue is still considered a human. For any of you three to take her life would result in either a life sentence in Reikai prison or execution. Were it up to me, I would kill her myself. But my father has put strict sanctions on me since the mazoku incident with Yusuke, and I do not have that option. He would also love an excuse to punish one of you three. He hates that I have selected you as my Reikai Tantei, and this would be the perfect opportunity for him to take that hatred out on you. As much as we hate her, we cannot kill her. Now, Kuwabara, or perhaps Genkai, on the other hand..."

"Oh no, Lord Koenma. Don't you dare!" interjected Botan. When all four faces turned to her the ferry girl elaborated. "If anyone kills here then I have to ferry her soul to Spirit World. Since she is not of our fandom it would take a considerable amount of time to sort out her final destination, and I REFUSE to look after her. If anyone kills her then he will have to answer to me."

"And what kind of threat is that?" scoffed Hiei.

"Do you really want to find out what it means to have the reaper angry with you?" Botan asked in a low and menacing voice. Her eyes bore straight into Hiei's and for once all those present saw the glimmer of death incarnate lurking behind her bubbly, effervescent personality. It was enough to send a shiver down the spines of everyone, even Koenma.

"Okay," the junior lord of hell said with a gulp. "We'll just have to figure out something else. Or more precisely, you will have to figure it out. This is your new mission. Find a way to banish Mary Sue without killing her. And keep her out of trouble while you do! We can't let her run around telling everyone that you are all demons. The disruption would be unimaginable!"

"WHAT? You have to be kidding me!" Yusuke shrieked, almost as annoyingly as Mary Sue.

"I know; this is a daunting task. But I'm afraid it has to be done. Besides, even if you manage to give her the slip, there is only one power that she truly does possess. All Mary Sues possess it. I refer to it as the power of Boomerang. No matter how hard you try to get rid of her, no matter how many times you evade her, a Mary Sue will always come back. You must banish her from the fandom completely. Even then, it's no guarantee. I'm sure you would rather know where she is and what she's doing than to have her burst in on you at an inopportune moment," Koenma reasoned. The three demon detectives looked at the raging girl and carefully considered his words.

"There is some logic in what you have said," Kurama admitted. "But who shall bear the burden of babysitting her? It's getting late, and I do not believe we will make much headway finding a banishment method tonight. One of use will have to baby-sit her overnight," he pointed out.

"That's simple," Botan answered, back to her merry self. "Kuwabara will have to watch her."

All heads turned to the tall carrot top. To his credit, Kuwabara was maintaining himself quite well. He had stopped repeating his mantra banning attacks on females and was now staring at some indiscernible point just above Mary's head with a slack, vacant expression on his face.

"I think he's in his 'happy place' now," Yusuke commented.

"Good. I hope there is vacancy until morning," Koenma said. "Botan is absolutely right. Mary will make every attempt to, um, how should I put this, er, 'jump the bones' of any bishie in sight once she has the opportunity to do so. She's not interested in Kuwabara, but I would fear for any of your wellbeing if you were left alone, or even in couples around her. It's a flaw of all Mary Sues. Even though they are obviously inexperienced in all matters sexual, they insist that they must sleep with every bishonen visible, and at the same time if possible. If she corners you, run and hide! If you thought her grip was strong, you do not want to see her in bed." At the confused look from his team, Koenma offered only this foreboding warning: "Let's just say that even the virgins of the world know more and laugh at her sexual endeavors and inaccuracies."

Each of the detectives paled at this disconcerting information.

Kuwabara was highly displeased when he learned of his task for the evening. He was about to refuse until Botan pulled him aside and explained the matter to him. In the end he grudgingly agreed to be tormented for one night to preserve the virtue, as it were, of his teammates. Mary was not so accommodating.

"But I have to spend the night with my 3 tru luvs!" she whined mercilessly. Finally, in a fit of desperation, Kurama gave Kuwabara an apologetic glance and spoke to Mary in as obvious a stage whisper as he could manage.

"Mary, we know we should consolidate our power around you, but Kuwabara is just a human. He couldn't possibly survive the night without your protection. It's a burden all true heroes have to bear," the fox crooned is the most convincing voice he could muster.

Mary blinked a few times and then sighed. Going so far as to raise a hand to hide her mouth from Kuwabara, she replied in an equally obvious stage whisper, "Yes, I understand. Alas, it is the fate of all the truly powerful to guard the duds of the world. Okay, I'll do it. I'm sure my Jagan that I was born with, but mere mortals like you cannot see, will give me a profetik dream of tomorrow's mission."

Kurama just nodded. Relieved, the three bishonen watched as Botan lead Kuwabara and Mary Sue through a portal to human world.

"We'd better find a way to get rid of her quick," Yusuke mused. The others just nodded.

Once they were back in human world, Kurama and Hiei made their way to the apartment they shared together. Once inside, Kurama slumped to the floor. Small hands pulling at his shirt drew his attention.

Hiei was gently removing his mate's shirt. The hiyoukai had already gathered a soft cloth and a bowl of water. When the garment was removed, Hiei began dabbing at Kurama's shoulder wounds with the damp cloth, pausing often to dip it back into the cool water and wring it out before continuing. Kurama sighed as his lover tended to him.

When Hiei was satisfied that the wound was well cleaned, he put the cloth and bowl in the kitchen sink and returned to urge Kurama into a standing position. Wrapping his arms around the weary fox, he began to lead them towards the bedroom. At the wanton expression on his mate's face, Kurama's features brightened, and he wrapped his arms around the petite form, following its lead.

Once they reached the bedroom, Kurama and Hiei both flopped onto the bed together. Kissing his mate's lips warmly, Kurama began to divest Hiei of his cloak. As the black material slid to the floor, the kitsune's hands began to roam more insistently over the small, muscular body of the fire demon. Soon enough, the cloak's loneliness was ended as it was joined by pants, a tank top, more pants, belts, and socks.

Only partially covered by the sheets, Kurama shifted his nude body on top of Hiei, never breaking their kiss. Pulling back, and using one hand behind his lover's head to keep Hiei's lips firmly attached to his own, Kurama sat up somewhat and slipped a pillow behind Hiei. He had some rather big plans for his mate that night, and he wanted to Hiei to be comfortable as he ravished the smaller body.

When they broke their kiss to breathe, Hiei glanced sideways at the bureau. With a swift wave of his hand, the candles there burst into flame and shed a warm, flickering light over the bedroom. Wasting no more time, he turned back to Kurama, but the fox's face was no longer before his. Hiei did not have time to ponder this absence as a hot, wet tongue began circling his right nipple. He arched his back as lips enclosed the pink nub and teeth began to tease it to life. Entangling his fingers in the red tresses, Hiei gasped and let out a low moan. He could feel the lips smile against his chest as they played with his flesh; a soft, gentle torture that only his fox could create and only his fox could satisfy.

Kurama swirled his tongue around the pert bud a few more times before slowly dragging his mouth across Hiei's chest to pay homage to its twin. Before the first nipple had dried, Kurama's highly dexterous fingers found it and teased it, keeping it sensitized to every tiny movement. As Kurama continued to stimulate Hiei's chest, the hiyoukai found his whole body responding to the touch and becoming aroused. The feel of the soft sheets below him, Kurama's heavier weight on the lower half of his body, the soft, dancing touch of hot tongue and cool fingers, the ever-so-subtle brush of the red strands against his stomach; all of these titillated the demon's senses. The soft rustle of the bedcovers and the harsher sound of Kurama's excited breathing gave Hiei goosebumps as his fingers flexed and curled in the fox's long hair. Kurama's scent, the combination of roses, herbs, human, demon, and purely masculine arousal filled Hiei's nostrils, calling to him like the sound of his own demonic heartbeat. Arching again, Hiei pushed his hips forward, grinding them into Kurama's stomach, seeking more contact, desperate for the connection of body and soul that only true mates could share.

Kurama's breath grew heavier as he pushed his mate to higher and higher levels of pleasure. He knew he could push Hiei over the edge and cause him to climax by this stimulation alone; he had before, many times. But tonight he wanted play a little. He loved to bring Hiei to the brink of release and then gently, almost nurturingly, relax his touch to bring the demon back down. Then he would increase the pace and the pressure again to the point just before the pinnacle. Over and over he would ravish the smaller body, both pleasuring it and making it scream for fulfillment. Only when Hiei was screaming his name, grasping and clawing him hard enough to leave marks would Kurama finally take him. That is when his smaller mate would feel the best, most cherished release, when they would truly be one.

Just hearing Hiei's moans and pants were enough to make Kurama's arousal painful. Feeling the heat pouring off the smaller body that writhed beneath him kindled a fire inside of the fox that no other lover from his demon life could ever ignite. The smell of Hiei's perspiration and arousal, and the natural, woodsy scent that always cling to him were an aphrodisiac to the fox, almost bringing him to completion. The most intimate arousal, however, was Hiei's complete and utter abandon, his total submission to Kurama. The trust was indescribable. It was a gift that Kurama treasured above all else.

Of course, there were many times that Hiei was the one teasing Kurama with his tongue and hands, and pushing the fox into the abyss of sensual bliss. Although Kurama was almost always seme, Hiei found that in pleasuring his fox he received an even more rewarding pleasure himself. But tonight Kurama had taken control and Hiei relinquished it eagerly.

Hiei was still moaning when he felt something brush his lips. A hand was groping blindly for his mouth. Greedily, Hiei enveloped the questing fingers in his mouth and swirled his tongue around them, leaving them saliva-soaked. Luxuriously, the hiyoukai fondled the digits in his mouth, nibbling gently and licking each nail, each knuckle, and each crease. After a few minutes the fingers withdrew, leaving the demon's mouth free to moan once more.

If Hiei had been in a world of pleasure until then, his world exploded into a bright universe of ecstasy as the wet fingers found his entrance and began to gently push at it. Slowly, tauntingly, one slim finger found its way inside of him, groping and flexing. Moaning deep in his throat, Hiei arched his back, pushing his chest into Kurama's face and his rump back to engulf more of the fox's finger. After a small eternity a second finger joined the first, eliciting the same response. After much scissoring and flexing, a third finger finally crept into the tight opening, filling Hiei and yet promising even more fulfillment to come.

"Fox," Hiei panted hoarsely. "I... I need..."

"What?" Kurama gasped back. "Tell me what you need, Hiei."

"Y..you! I need you! Inside me!" Hiei cried in a whispered plea. Smiling, Kurama withdrew his fingers and slid his body up that of his mate, aligning himself to enter his beloved.

Meeting Hiei eye-to eye, the kitsune looked deeply into his lover's eye. "I love you, Hiei," he murmured, pressing onto and into the form below him.

"I love you, my fox," Hiei panted, his head tilting back as he felt Kurama just beginning to enter him.

"And I luv u both my dear beloveds," came a third voice.

Instantly, green and red eyes widened in horror. Kurama rolled to the side. Both demons looked at the foot of the bed, where a starry-eyed Mary Sue gazed lovingly at them. All three of them were very lucky that Hiei was naked. Had he been able to grab his katana, Mary would be dead, Hiei would be on death row, and Kurama would be a widower-to-be. The demons merely stared, aghast, at the form of the girl (?) at their feet, admiring their naked, exposed bodies.

"Ahh. My tru luvs. I'm hear to make sweet love to you both!" Mary sighed as she climbed onto the bed and wriggled her way between the two shocked forms.

Quickly, both demons leapt to their feet. Kurama grabbed the closest scrap of material he could find, which happened to be Hiei's tank top, and quickly moved to cover both his and Hiei's more private areas. Needless to say, they had to stand rather close for that to work.

"You were...were with...Kuwabara?" Kurama tried desperately to string words together.

"Yes. I set up a kekkai around him to protect him. I just could not leave my belovers alone and pining for me!" Mary replied.

Mary laid on her back on the bed. Mercifully, she was still fully clothed. Even her combat boots were still on. Although this was an egregious breech of etiquette, the occupants of the house were quite relieved. Still staring at the intruder, blood pounding in their ears, Kurama and Hiei were at a complete loss as to what they should say. Koenma's warning echoed in both of their minds. Finally a shrill voice snapped them out of the daze.

"Come on my luvrs! Climb in here and make long, hard love to me! I'm a virgin, you know, but since you are both my tru luve, I feel drawn to be with you. I've been saving myself for both of you, and Yusuke, and maybe teenage Koenma, for all the centuries of my life, and now my ripe womanhood is yours to ravage!"

"No," said Hiei. Kurama just swallowed hard to keep his stomach from revolting.

"But you must! I have dreamed of it. And I read fanfiction, so i know all about sex! My favorite story described the ecstacy I can only reach in your, or Yusuke's, or maybe teenage Koenma's arms so perfectly: 'As he came, gallons of white paradise spilled from his love sausage onto her swollen, perky breasts as they reached for the ceiling with every gasping breath, and salty yet sweet liquid ran down the soft mounds to gather on her toned abdomen.' I need that! I need your hot, heat-seeking missiles of luv to fill me and I want your essense in me when you cum. I can carry a child made from multiple fathers, so I want you both to be the fathers of my child. He'll b so powerful! Much more powerful than you but not near as powerful as me, of course! And I can take you both at once; I read about that in a fanfiction to!"

Kurama leaned towards Hiei. "Don't demonize!" he hissed, trying to contrive a pliable escape plan.

"I'm not," Hiei said, biting off his words abruptly.

"But you look green," Kurama observed, his eyes darting between the window and the door, trying to determine which way offered the best chances of survival.

"I am," Hiei said shortly. Kurama realized why suddenly when Mary Sue began to take her shirt, shaking her shoulders obscenely and singing, "Da da da da dum!" in a pseudo-burlesque, sickening manner.

With no regard for their modesty, both demons discarded the tank top and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind them and trying desperately to share the commode as they purged violently. Shaking, Kurama arose and locked the door as Hiei flushed.

"What now?" the hiyoukai asked in a weak voice. They both surveyed the situation. The bathroom, like many in apartment complexes, had no windows. The only door led to the waiting arms of Mary Sue and certain doom. Kurama just shook his head; uncertain what course of action was available to them.

That horrid voice echoed through the door, chilling their blood and curdling the stomachs again. "Oh, I get it! You want to be nice and squeaky-clean for me. Okay, my loves, I'll wait. I can wait for you as long as it taaa-aaakes."

Kurama's keen hearing caught the inflection on the final word. "She yawned," he said swiftly, pressing his ear to the door. To his horror, he heard loud, combat boot-laden footsteps approach the bathroom.

The voice called out, much closer this time. "I'll just wait right heee-eeere," it said, stifling another yawn. The shooshing sound of a body sliding down a door and an ungraceful thud told the demons that Mary was sitting outside, leaning against the bathroom door. After a few minutes the grating sound of snorting snores could be heard from the now slumbering form. Leaning against a wall, Kurama looked at Hiei.

"It seems we have gotten a reprieve," he whispered. "She's asleep."

"If she's on the bed I'm burning it," Hiei said in a flat tone, pressing his ear to the door.

"No such luck. She's against the door. It seems that we have no choice but to let her sleep. The door is our only escape, and if we open it she'll awake and demand..." Kurama trailed off with a shudder.

Hiei looked around the bathroom quickly. "Tub?" he asked forlornly.

"Tub," Kurama agreed sullenly. Neither was in any mood to continue their previous tryst. Grabbing the only material available to them, the hand towel from the towel hook by the sink, Kurama settled into the tub. Hiei climbed in and snuggled up to him, lying slightly on top of the fox. Kurama tried his best to arrange the tiny towel to cover as much of them as it could, to preserve a shred of their dignity in case Mary found some way to enter the bathroom, and wrapped his arms around his lover.

"Hiei?" Kurama asked.

"Yes?"

"If she does find a way in here, we'll kill her together. Then, perhaps Enma will execute us together and we won't have to mourn each other."

"Agreed."

And there the demons lay for the rest of the night, naked and cold, in a bathtub, huddled under a hand towel, hoping that the Mary Sue could not find them and molest them during the night, and above all, powerless to fend her off.

--

I hope you enjoyed the smangst. I thought the beginning of the lemon was one of my more sensual writings, if I do say so myself.

So, what will our demon lovers do? Will someone rescue them before they are molested by the Mary Sue? Or is their fate to father the same child from a crazed Wannabe? Only time will tell! Heh heh heh!

I think there will be maybe two chapters left to this. I hope you guys are enjoying it. I'm having a ball writing it! It's nice to not have to worry too much about plot twist, plot holes, grammar, and OOC, OC, CO, COC, and any other letters you can think of!

Thank you to my reviewers:

BlueUtopiah - Oh man, if you have not read a true Mary Sue fic then half the jokes here are so lost! Once you experience the chilling grasp of a Mary Sue then you will be able to appreciate the subtle nuances of her cunning, her guile, her complete disregard for anything canon, remotely plotful, or grammatically correct! And thanks!

hColleen - Nope, Mary cannot be killed. But the guys will find a way. They have to. Otherwise I'll be writing this forever! NOOOOOO!


	5. Chapter six

A knock at the door roused Mary Sue from her gentle, and yet very loud, slumber. Snorting and grunting, she picked herself up from the floor by the bathroom door and trudged to the entrance of the apartment. Without checking who was there, she opened the door to find Yusuke and Botan waiting.

Both the visitor's eyes widened when as the sight of Mary registered. Botan was the first to speak. "You? Here? But we left you with, uh, you were guarding, uh, KURAMA! HIEI!" The ferry girl dashed past Mary into the apartment to search for any casualties of the fangirl's sexual advances. Yusuke remained silent, but stayed close to Botan in an attempt to not be left alone with the Mary Sue.

"Kurama? Hiei? Where are you guys? Are you alright?" Botan called out nervously, heading towards the bathroom.

"Oh their fine," Mary said, approaching the detective and the reaper. "They just wanted to clean up there hawt, smexy bodies for me. We're all gonna have a kid together, you no." At this Botan paled, but Mary continued without noticing. "And Yusuke, too. And maybe teenage Koenma." At this Yusuke faded from pale to slightly green.

"Guys?" the teenager called out, fearing the worst for his two friends. A noise from the closed bathroom door caught his attention. Creeping close, he made sure Botan was distracting Mary Sue and whispered into the door, "Hey, are you guys in there?"

"Yusuke? Is that you?" came Kurama's voice in a strained whisper. "We thought we heard Botan, but we weren't taking any chances."

"Yeah, it's us. What's going on?"

"That creature entered our bedchamber and we sought refuge in the bathroom," Hiei's voice supplied.

"Well, we're here, so you can come out now," Yusuke said.

"Um, no, we can't," Kurama said.

"Sure you can. Botan is distracting Mary Sue, and the sun is up. Botan said that Mary's lust will diminish in daylight." Yusuke supplied.

"That's all fine, but we still can't come out yet," Kurama argued.

"Why not?"

"We weren't exactly, um, asleep, when she walked in on us," Kurama replied. Yusuke could practically hear the blush in his voice.

"Oh man, you are kidding me! That's so freaky! She actually walked in on you two doing THAT?" Yusuke chuckled. Only the distinct sound of growling behind the door sobered his mirth. "Fine, fine. I'll get her out of the apartment. But you had better get dressed quick; I do not want to be the only male within lunging distance!"

Yusuke left the bathroom to try to lure Mary outside. Botan's expression as he approached prepared him for the worst. Steeling himself, he decided to go for broke.

"Mary?" he interjected as the girl(?) was about to dazzle Botan with yet another tale of her powers, her grace, her intellect, and her lust for bishies. Instantly, the girl was attentive. Groping for a plausible excuse to go outside, Yusuke thought of Keiko. "Your hair sure is shiny. Is that a special conditioner? Can I see it in the sunlight?" Without a word, Mary tromped out the door, blathering on about her kitsune heritage making her hair silky soft and how they should see it at the full moon when she turned into a silver/gold/midnight kitsune.

"I think she has foxes screwed up with werewolves," Yusuke muttered, grabbing Botan's arm and leading her out of the apartment.

"Yusuke, that was brilliant! How did you think of getting her to leave with a compliment?" Botan asked, awed by the teenager's sensitivity.

"I thought of Keiko," Yusuke replied without thinking. "Oh crap! If she ever hears that I said that..."

"Don't worry, Yusuke, dear," Botan said merrily, with a look that strongly resembled a cat face. "I won't breathe a word. Meow!"

"You'd better not," Yusuke muttered. As he was about to close the apartment door, he called inside, "The coast is clear, but make it snappy!"

As soon as the front door latched, the bathroom door cracked open just slightly. A green eye peeked out as, simultaneously, a foot below it, a red eye did the same. In a flash a black blur shot out the door and into the bedroom, followed by a red blur. Within five minutes both demons emerged from their apartment fully dressed and ready to kill a certain Mary Sue.

Mary was now chattering on about her powers of devastation that used alchemy to infuse her tremendous energy into Tic-Tacs to make minty-breath-bombs. Yusuke and Botan looked up at the demons with worn, bloodshot eyes. It had been a looooong five minutes. As Mary began to launch into the tale of her Altoids-Kiss-of-Death attack, Kurama intervened.

"Mary, weren't you supposed to guard Kuwabara last night? We need him for our mission."

"Oh. The Oaf. I set my plants to guard him and sealed him in a kekkai for his own protection. We can do the mission without him," Mary said in a dismissive tone.

"But we really should include him. We'd hate to hurt his feelings," Kurama insisted, employing his infamous Shuuichi Smile to woo the girl to his side. Swooning, Mary nodded and wandered in the general direction of the Kuwabara residence.

"A kekkai?" Hiei said softly as they walked. "Unlikely. Even Reikai, with all its power focused on the task, could only build a barely passable kekkai to seal demon world. Why does she think she could erect one?"

"All Mary Sues think they can. They think just anyone can establish that type of barrier without breaking a sweat," Botan explained. "Lord Enma could do it only because he could harness the power of the entire Spirit World. No mortal, and no demon I know of could ever do it alone. I wonder, though; what DID she do to Kuwabara?"

"We'll find out soon enough," Yusuke commented as they approached the front door to his best friend's house.

Before they even knocked, the door swung open, revealing Shizuru and her cigarette. "Oh, you're here. You have to see it to believe it," was their greeting as the older girl turned and walked away from them. From upstairs, a distant bellow sounded. There seemed to be words in the din, and they seemed to say, "Sis! What are you doing? Get me out of this! I'm your brother! How could you leave me like this?" Quickly, the tantei and Botan rushed upstairs to rescue their comrade.

Mary, however, became easily distracted when she saw Kuwabara's cat enter the room. Jumping up, the girl(?) ran to the cat to embrace it, shrieking, "KAWAII!" The terrified cat took one look and ran, scampering under the coach and hissing.

The detective group stopped short in the doorway, struck dumb by the scene before them. Kuwabara was lying on the bed in only his boxer shorts. He was strapped down by a criss-cross pattern resembling a true kekkai, but made of all the shoestrings in the house knotted together and tied to the bed. Every potted plant in the house was pulled from its pot and arranged in a semicircle around the bed. Sure enough, Mary had set the plants to "guard" him and erected a "kekkai" to seal him. Kurama was the first to allow a stifled snort to escape him. Covering his mouth, the kitsune remained silent as his shoulders moved with each chuckle. Yusuke had no such reservations.

"Ha! You have GOT to be kidding me? You got sealed by a Mary Sue! Kuwabara, you freak, she got you!" the detective bellowed out between huge guffaws. Hiei said nothing, but enjoyed a brief moment of amusement at the human boy's predicament. Botan managed to hide her mirth as she approached the bed and began to untie the "kekkai" barrier.

"Kuwabara," Yusuke continued. "You're so dumb! I hope she didn't hurt you! Do you need us to call for Yukina?" the detective taunted, tears running down his cheeks.

"No way, Urameshi!" Kuwabara shouted. "She couldn't really hurt me, and anyway, my little ice bunny would know I only tolerated it because I am a gentleman. My little ice pop would completely understand; she'd..." Kuwabara trailed off with a strange look on his face. At the look, the laughter in the room ceased.

"Hey, Kuwa, man, what is it?" Yusuke asked, serious once he saw the strange change in his best friend.

"I, uh, nothing, uh," Kuwabara began, but stopped explaining and began to mutter to himself, "Cold showers, icy-cold, no, don't think ice! Uh, nuns. Uh, really old nuns." Puzzled, his teammates just stared at him.

Botan was the first to realize the source of the boy's troubles. Quickly she grabbed the blanket from the floor and threw it over Kuwabara's midsection. "My, my," she stuttered, a bit too cheerily. "You must be chilly in only your boxers. Let me cover you up while I untie the shoestrings.

Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei just stared. Although they all figured it out at the same time, Yusuke was the first to mention it. "Oh MAN! That's great! Thinking a little too much of you ice-bunny? You must really like her to get that excited by just thinking about her!"

Hiei tried to lunge at Kuwabara, ready to kill anyone who would have that reaction to his pure, innocent sister, but Kurama intercepted him and steered him out of the room, leaving Yusuke and Botan to finish untying the carrot-top, whose color now resembled a radish more than a carrot.

"I'll kill the Oaf. I'll strangle him, pull out his entrails, and hang him by them!" Hiei seethed as Kurama tried to soothe him.

"Relax, Love. It's natural. Everyone reacts to the ones they care about, and he's no different than you or I..."

"Oh yes he is! That's my sister he's fantasizing about in there! I'll..."

"You'll what?" Kurama whispered breathily, pressing his own body against his lover's. Instantly Hiei's body began to respond. "You see? It's perfectly natural, and it doesn't take much," Kurama said as he pressed his lips to Hiei's. Giving up his anger, Hiei allowed the fox to kiss him. He could Kuwabara later.

"Awwww. Room for me?" came the voice they had learned to fear. Breaking apart and spinning around, the demons were confronted by Mary Sue, little hearts dancing in her eyes. Backing up, the two found themselves cornered in an alcove of the hallway. Mary began to close in. Luckily, voices distracted her.

"...not funny, Urameshi! And why did the Shrimp go postal on me? He's with Kurama. He doesn't have a thing for Yukina, too, does he?" Kuwabara asked, exiting the room and tucking in his shirttail.

"No, Kuwabara, I think you're safe," Botan said. "Well, not exactly 'safe' since Hiei wants to kill you, but you needn't worry about competing with him for Yukina's hand." The conversation stopped when they saw Mary bearing down on Kurama and Hiei in the hallway.

"This has to end," Botan decided. "We need to see Lord Koenma again and find a way to make this stop!" With that she materialized her oar and opened a portal to Reikai. As the team left, Shizuru watched, smiling. Quickly she picked up her purse and the roll of film she had used to take the pictures of her baby bro in his predicament and headed to the film store to get them developed. The next time she wanted him to study, she now had just the blackmail material she needed...

In Koenma's office all Hell was breaking loose. As the Junior Lord of Hell, the demigod should have been in his element, but was not. "Ogre, do something!" he yelled, in his teenage form. Jorge was too busy to respond, though. The oni had a mop and a pail and was trying desperately to mop up the gallons of drool Mary Sue was making by staring at her four favorite bishies in one room. Apparently her libido had not diminished in the sunlight, and she was trying to round the four guys into a corner. Kuwabara just hung back, wary of getting near her again.

The team was usually good at fighting any attacks, but Mary Sue was different. She seemed to be everywhere, coming at them from every direction. Everywhere they turned there was Mary Sue with a lusty look and another half-baked sex idea for them to play out. Desperately they huddled together. None of them could kill her, and short of that they had no idea how to defend themselves. Kuwabara tried to take a swing at her, against his code of honor, but Mary ignored him completely.

As Mary was practically on top of the four bishonen, a female voice called out, "That's IT! I've had ENOUGH!" With a mighty swing, Botan took her oar and brought it around, crashing into Mary Sue's skull with all her might. With a whooshing sound and a loud pop, Mary Sue disappeared.

The tantei, Koenma, and Botan stared at the empty space that used to be Mary Sue. Quickly, Koenma spun around. "Ogre! My remote!" Jorge grabbed the remote control from the desktop and tossed it to his boss. Without wasting a second, Koenma turned on his television and began scanning the channels. After a few minutes he turned it off. "She's gone."

"Gone?" Kurama asked.

"Yes. Mary Sue is out of our fandom," Koenma replied. "Botan must have unconsciously created a fandom portal and used her Reikai oar to knock Mary Sue through it."

The guys looked at the ferry girl with wide eyes. Botan just shrugged and shouldered her oar. "All in a day's work!" she said happily, glad things could get back to normal.

Mary Sue stood up slowly. She wasn't quite sure why she tripped, but the office was gone. Perhaps some evil demon overlord had sucked them into Makai and it was up to her to rescue her twu wuvs from the fiend's clutches! After the monster ate Kuwabaka, of course. Looking around, Mary saw a red-headed figure walking away from her.

"Kurama, my love! Wait for me! Only with my powers can we defeat the feend that took our beloved teammates and restore..." Mary stopped when the figuret turned to face her with bewildered, violet eyes.

"Your not Kurama. Oh! I know you! I read fanfiction, so I no all about u! I'm Mary. Mary Sue Wannabe, a famous swordswoman who took a vow never to kill again! Come, my love, we must save Japan from the evil overlords!" Mary cried in joy, siezing the hand of her new victim, er, companion, and dragging him off into the sunset, leaving no time for anything but a startled, "Oro?"


End file.
